HAEIL – Healthy At Every Intoxication Level

Let’s face facts.

Easily the biggest issue facing our society, and thus humanity as a whole, is clearly alcohol-shaming.

We’ve lost the war on alcoholism. Fighting against excessive alcohol indulgence hasn’t made the BAC levels drop. And being sober, even if there was a way to successfully accomplish it, will not actually make us happier (quite the contrary, honestly. Hangovers suck). The war on alcohol-harm reduction has taken its toll.

Extensive collateral damage is clearly evident. Men drinking girly-drinks instead of getting liquor on the rocks, self-hatred because you can’t unwind every once in a while, people feeling ashamed because they are lightweights, soy-boys, no-fun parties because half the invitees are afraid of tequila, etc.

Healthy at Every Intoxication level is my new peace movement.

It supports people of all drinking levels and styles by allowing everyone to get to their happy level of intoxication. It is an inclusive movement, without regard for current or future drinking ability, race, national origin, sexuality, number of brain cells damaged by binge-drinking, disability status, gender, and other demographics. Healthy at every intoxication level fully acknowledges and condemns the horrific, systematic anti-drinking culture forces that oversee our lives and restrict our happiness.

Society changes when enough people say “enough is enough“. We here at HAEIL will show our strength in numbers and demand institutional change to force everyone to love us and give us free stuff regardless of if we are yelling Don’t Stop Believin’ lyrics on the metro at 2:00AM.

HAEIL Includes the Following Bonuses

Respect

• Celebrates intoxication level diversity and inclusion.
• Honors differences in drinking level ability and corresponding dance movements.

Critical Awareness

• Challenges cultural norms and standards of decency.
• Values body knowledge and lived experiences such as blacking out at 3PM in the afternoon on a weekday.

Intelligence

• Completely rejects it in favor of terrible life decisions such as showing up to work completely blown out of your mind.
• Not having to worry about getting more-smart anymore because you have found an excuse to falsely justify your current situation in your head and joined a community of like-minded denialists.

Compassionate Self-Care

• Does not require doctor or medical advice, in fact encourages the exact opposite of that.
• Finding joy in one’s personal intoxication level without regard to potential liver failure later.
• Drinking in an uncontrolled manner, which values pleasure and internal cues of desire. Leading to things such as a willingness to sleep with a person you otherwise wouldn’t while sober and avoidance of reality.

Healthy at Every Intoxication Level® (HAEIL) principles help us advance cultural justice, create an inclusive and lovey-dovey community, and support people of all drinking levels in finding sub-par excuses to get absolutely smashed for no reason.

Join the movement today by, uh, sharing this article? Sure, we’ll go with that. Oh, and give me $50 so I can buy some Single Barrel.

Don’t understand this article? It’s a parody of HAES:

Let’s face facts.

We’ve lost the war on obesity. Fighting fat hasn’t made the fat go away. And being thinner, even if we knew how to successfully accomplish it, will not necessarily make us healthier or happier. The war on obesity has taken its toll.

Health at Every Size® principles help us advance social justice, create an inclusive and respectful community, and support people of all sizes in finding compassionate ways to take care of themselves.

HAES includes the following basic components:

Respect

• Celebrates body diversity;
• Honors differences in size, age, race, ethnicity, gender, dis/ability, sexual orientation, religion, class, and other human attributes.

Critical Awareness

• Challenges scientific and cultural assumptions;
• Values body knowledge and lived experiences.

Compassionate Self-care

• Finding the joy in moving one’s body and being physically active;
• Eating in a flexible and attuned manner that values pleasure and honors internal cues of hunger, satiety, and appetite, while respecting the social conditions that frame eating options.